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All Deviations


She realised, at age thirteen,
Why boys would stop and stare
Her dewy skin, the golden sheen
That graced her velvet hair

So she bought herself a mirror
And displayed it, so she could
Bring her beauty ever nearer
It excelled; it understood

For years, it was delightful
Showcasing that youthful face
Though she grew vain and spiteful,
She charmed lovers with her grace

Yet, over time, I'm sad to say
The face will often show
(On top of the basic display)
The soul that lurks below

This girl, with such an ugly heart
Began to project her hate
Onto herself – so now departs
Her beauty... it's too late
©2008 =Francine1991
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Submitted: May 6
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Author's Comments

The first of my 'Seven Deadly Sins' pieces. Any critique is greatly appreciated.
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Devious Comments

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~jay-grammer:iconjay-grammer: May 6, 2008, 7:01:49 AM
Very nice.

Your rhyming scheme is quite good, but you might want to examine the beats of your poem. Saying it outloud (all poetry should be read aloud) might help you get a feel for how it should roll off the tongue.

Lines like "And keep track of it each day" and "Not just superficial display" have more beats than the lines around it, so they lose a little bit of flow.

Otherwise, the poem is very good and it tells the story quite well. =]


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"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31
=Francine1991:iconFrancine1991: May 6, 2008, 7:04:48 AM
Thank you :) I'll try and sort out those kinks...

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...and you can consider that the end of the matter.
~e-Quinox:icone-Quinox: May 6, 2008, 12:55:19 PM
Very cool. It all seems to roll of the tongue with ease :).

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Either way you look at it, religious or non-religious, you're bound to come across the same scenario where we as humans are imperfect in many ways.

Kishan V. Lad
~DominantDoberman:iconDominantDoberman: May 6, 2008, 2:38:06 PM
I think this is really good! It protrays pride very well! :D I think my fav. part was the first four lines. It was great!

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"If we knock on the door until it opens, not taking no for an answer, our lives will be transformed as we step up into a higher awareness."-James Redfield
*NeoPiter:iconNeoPiter: May 6, 2008, 3:33:16 PM
Nothing to point out. I think it's perfect !

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If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88mph, you're gonna see some serious shit.
~shukugumo:iconshukugumo: May 6, 2008, 11:12:19 PM
So far its OK, I'll wait for the next =)

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LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!! NYAHAHAHA!!!!!
You're welcomed to visit my A-Z gallery =)
~shukugumo:iconshukugumo: May 6, 2008, 11:12:31 PM
So far its OK, I'll wait for the next =)

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LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!! NYAHAHAHA!!!!!
You're welcomed to visit my A-Z gallery =)
=Francine1991:iconFrancine1991: May 7, 2008, 12:35:41 AM
Thank you very much :)

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...and you can consider that the end of the matter.
=Francine1991:iconFrancine1991: May 7, 2008, 12:35:49 AM
Thankees! :D

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...and you can consider that the end of the matter.